So Glad I'm Not a Teenager Right Now

Before I get started on the meat of this post, let me say that this is my first time actually posting in my pajamas! I thought it was worth noting.

Anyway, to get to the point. I'm not saying I'm glad I'm not a teenager right now because being a teenager sucks. I have heard that it does from a number of people, but it didn't for me. The reason I'm glad I'm not a teenager right now is because of technology—the internet, mainly—and all the trouble that that injects into adolescence. I won't even get started with Facebook and people being publicly catty and mean towards each other. That's just a nightmare, plain and simple. I'm talking about the chronicling of everyday activities that ends up on the internet. Have you guys seen Miley Cyrus taking bong hits? If not, check it out (or just watch it again for fun):



When I saw this video, the first thing I thought (well, actually, the second. The first thing I thought was, "Why are they listening to Bush? I was listening to Bush when I was that age and that band isn't good enough to stand the test of time.") was, "Aw, man, to be a teenager again. That looks so fun!!!"

And people are giving her shit. And her dad is tweeting, yes, tweeting, his disappointment in her. What the fuck has happened to people?!

I mean, come on, people! She's 18! MANY of us did worse shit younger. AND, she's in a house that she probably paid for! She even claims that she's smoking salvia (which is legal), so she's not even breaking the law (even though I think she's probably lying).

We took a lot of incriminating photos of one another in high school, but those were the days of film! Someone once took a picture of Gaby and me smoking a huge joint (how did we afford such huge joints in high school?) in her garage, when her parents were out of town, with her parents' camera, apparently. These pictures then got developed, along with the other pix on the film roll, which were of a family celebration. Her parents obviously saw them. Her parents that I'd known for ages, that my parents were friends with. But nothing happened. She got in trouble, but they never told my parents (as far as I know). They probably thought of me as a bad seed, but that's it. Wasn't on the internet for the world to see. We kept it all in the neighborhood.

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And here's another reason I'm glad I'm not a teenager these days: they seem so bored with life. I am a user of OB tampons (I promise this is relevant). I prefer them because they're easier to transport and better for the environment than tampons with applicators. I am running out, so went to the store to get some. They were out. So I went to another store. Same story. And another. And another. Why is everyone out of this particular kind of tampon?!?!? Having spent the majority of my life studying drug use (academically [and yes, in my personal life too—that joke is so old I fell off my dinosaur last time I heard it]), I immediately thought, "There must be some illicit way to use these tampons that I don't know about" (see my tweets for proof!). I shared this thought with my brother and we joked about dissolving cocaine in water and dipping tampons in them and shoving them up your nose and various other ridiculous ways to get high with tampons.

Then I got home and told my roommate about the mysterious shortage of OBs and my theory about illicit uses and she said, "Oh, you don't know?" And then proceeds to tell me that high school kids these days DIP OB TAMPONS IN ALCOHOL AND SHOVE THEM UP THEIR BUTTS TO GET WASTED. What ever happened to plain old drinking? Are they in that much of a hurry? Last time I checked, Everclear shots got you drunk pretty fast. Is that just too boring? She also told me that they put VODKA IN THEIR EYES. What is wrong with the youth of today???

I texted my brother the news about the tampon. Here's our conversation:

Him: Yeah... bypasses the liver. Do we really need to get inventive with drinking?
Me: It's still going to your liver though. She also told me that kids put vodka in their eyes.
Him: Can't talk. Smoking a joint with my armpit.

Then I went out to a bar and drank a couple of glasses of wine. With my mouth.