Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Undertakings I Have Abandoned Because of Boys

1. Training my cat to use a human toilet
2. Wearing natural deodorant
3. Most likely a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember right now

No one wants to think that they're changing their behavior to attract the opposite sex. Or maybe they do. I don't though. But there have been a few times when I've been forced to admit that that was what was happening. The natural deodorant story is pretty self-explanatory and uninteresting: It failed me and I smelled while trying to woo a guy (difficult, unsuccessful).

The cat training story is a pretty good one though, if only because it's so ridiculous. I had read on the internet that you could teach your cat to use a human toilet and I thought that would be great because I lived in a smallish apartment and it seemed that would cut down on litter smell. And, instead of cleaning the litter box, I'd only have to flush the toilet. So, I went to work on the project. Henry, my cat, was pretty good, but definitely unsure about the whole scheme. What was more convenient for me wasn't really for him. But he took to it, more or less.

He was really great at peeing into the toilet, but the stance for shitting was different and it seemed like he didn't feel totally steady. So, I made him his own toilet seat. I know that sounds like some crazy cat lady behavior, and will admit that it kind of is, but it was meant to be temporary. I took a piece of plywood, cut it into toilet seat shape, removed the lid from the toilet, and attached the plywood in its place, so the plywood sat over the real toilet seat. To attract the cat to the toilet, you have to arrange a sitz bath with kitty litter inside. You cut a hole in the sitz bath, gradually increasing the size of the hole until you just totally remove the sitz bath and the cat is going straight into the toilet. Even at the sitz bath stage, I was feeling pretty jazzed about the whole endeavor because I was already only having to flush after Henry and using almost no litter. The only hassle was having to remove the contraption when humans used the toilet. It wasn't a big issue though because hardly anyone ever came over.

Then one night I went out to a party. My friend and I had decided that we'd only make a brief appearance and have one drink because neither of us were really feeling it, and we both had stuff to do the next day (I had circus class with my ex). We arrived and walked into the kitchen to get drinks. There were two really hot guys standing at the bar/kitchen table. I should note that that almost never happens at parties I go to. I think we said hello, but that was about it. Party was pretty tame. I guess it's actually more fair to say that my friend and I were mostly just hanging out with each other and not socializing a ton. But then at some point, the really hot guy started talking to me and offering to go make me another drink. There were some brief moments of "I don't know. I have to go to circus class tomorrow morning" (Jesus, no wonder I'm single), but I did eventually relent and thus began a night of flirting and making out with this random guy. He was Latvian (I've mentioned him in at least one other post), but his English was great. He made little errors now and then that were adorable (calling the Metro the "Meetro"), but it was, for the most part, not at all difficult to communicate with him.

The night wore on. I think we left the party at about 6 am, if that gives you any indication of the level of intoxication reached.  We tried to take a cab to my house, but a neighborhood music festival was starting later that morning and the streets were closed, so we had to walk the last mile. We, or I, anyway, got to my house exhausted. He had to pee. I went in to check out the state of the bathroom. He followed me in. I noticed that Henry had pooped on the floor (something he was doing every now and then at that point in the training. A protest?). I apologized and cleaned it up and the Latvian said not to worry, he had cats and they did that occasionally as well. But then I looked at the whole toilet set up, with the plywood seat, the sitz bath, the litter and then I looked at the guy and thought, "We're wasted, he's not a native English speaker, this explanation is going to be way too long and weird, I'm so tired..." and then, drunkenly concluded to just not say anything. I actually thought that not explaining the set up at all would be less weird than accounting for the presence of some weird plastic thing in the toilet with pine pellets in it (probably not even identifiable by a Latvian as cat litter). I left him in the bathroom and went to my room and crashed.

He never said anything. I think he probably just aimed through the hole in the sitz bath? I have no idea. It was never spoken of and, a couple of hours after he left the next day (or rather, later that same day), I threw out the sitz bath and wooden seat, reattached the lid, and hauled out the litter box.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I used to not really cry. I would cry out of frustration and I would cry when I would think of/try to remember my mom (who died when I was 5), but I didn't really cry out of sadness about anything that was happening in my life at that moment. I'm a little bit of an emotional robot and I was much worse back in the day. Then when I was 24 or 25, I moved to a new city where I knew no one, started grad school (which was waaaaaaaay harder than undergrad and which I hated), my boyfriend broke up with me, and my dog that I'd had since I was 8 died. This seriously all happened in about a month and the dog and boyfriend things happened on the same day.

Twenty-four or 25 years worth of closed floodgates burst open and I cried more than I'd ever had in my life. Still the most crying in a concentrated period of time I've ever done.

But now I cry all the time. I'm not a person prone to depression, so I mostly cry to stuff that just makes me feel a lot. I cry about sad stuff and I cry about happy stuff, but I think what I cry most about is people connecting with one another, people really understanding what someone needs and doing their best to provide that for them, even if whatever they're doing is relatively minor. Empathy, I guess. Especially empathy among the little guys, people that may not have a lot of power in other aspects of their lives, but do the little bit that they can because they're humans and they recognize that you have to be good to people.

I've recently read two things that made me cry a lot for the above-listed reasons. My face is still wet, nose still runny, and eyes still puffy from this one. I have no idea who this guy is—a friend just posted the link on Facebook. I guess he's a comedian or improv guy. And, like I mentioned above, I don't personally know what real, clinical depression feels like, but I've been very close to people that do and it's very clear that the author knows it well. He sounds like a busy guy and I would guess that delving back into his own depression isn't the most pleasant of tasks, but he dropped everything he was doing to help to the very best of his ability a total, anonymous stranger. Someone he may never hear from again. I can't really articulate how good that is.

This is the other tearjerker. The story about the street kids...  And it's just a great post overall. I think she sums it up nicely, "It really is those small acts of thoughtfulness and kindess that can turn your average day into a great day, restores ones faith in humanity or in extreme cases, stop someone from ending it all."

I'm a little burned out from studying all day to expound on that more, but I trust that you are all readers with brains in your head that are capable of coming up with your own conclusions.

I was going to close with a commercial I kept seeing during the Olympics that made me cry every time. I couldn't find it (don't remember what it was for), but found this one, which also made me bawl. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Things I Just Did to Stave Off a Migraine

1. Drank a double almond milk latte. It's the first double coffee drink I've ever had. I've had less than 15 coffee drinks in my entire life.
2. Poked about 30 holes in my scalp with a lancet.
3. Sipped ice water and let it hang out in my mouth so that it would freeze my gums.

All of these things make your blood vessels constrict. Vasoconstriction means that the vessels don't press on the surrounding tissues, which is what makes your head hurt.

4. Laid in my bed in my underwear in front of the fan. (That's just something I enjoy doing on these hot days.)

So far, so good!
I'm trying not to take medicine!!!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I'm So Sleepy

I get migraines. Fancy people call me a migraineur, which is a word I'd use too if I knew how to pronounce it. I've had them since I was young. 13? 15? I don't remember. I read an article in the New York Times once about how migraines in children are manifested as stomach issues (there are neurons in your GI tract—no lie!), in which case I've been getting migraines since I was in elementary school. I just dealt and cried in pain until I was about 20, at which point I realized there were doctors and medicine for this. Life changing.

The medicine I've always taken is abortive, meaning that you take it when you get a migraine and it (usually) knocks it out. This medicine generally has some weird side effects (metallic taste in mouth, tingling fingers, extreme sensitivity to heat in finger tips) that I'm willing to overlook because when you weigh out "no migraine vs. inability to do dishes for the rest of the day," side effects become pretty unimportant.

I started getting more migraines, so my super awesome neurologist (I'm not saying that ironically, he really is the best doctor I've ever had) suggested maybe some daily preventive medicine. I'm not really that into the idea of taking anything on a daily basis, but I went ahead with it. My options were a low dose of an anti-seizure medication or a low dose of an anti-depressant. Side effects of the first one include possible weight loss, side effects of the second include possible weight gain. I chose the former.
This was a few years ago, but that medication was magical. I went on a bit of a bender one night (the night of the Latvian) and was right as rain the next day. Miraculous! But then that medication started giving me... let's just say not awesome gastrointestinal side effects. So I stopped.

Two months ago, I went back to Dr. Awesome and he suggested I give the other one a shot (I've been pretty migrainey lately). I went on it, and it worked. Yay! And then about five weeks ago, I noticed that I would get light headed nearly every time I stood up. Whiting out, having to grab onto a wall so I didn't fall over. I got an acupuncture treatment at school and they noted how fast my pulse was (like, 109 at one doctor's appointment). Then I kept noticing that. And then I started getting palpitations. Went to Dr. Awesome and my GP, a bunch of tests, I'm not anemic, I'm not hypoglycemic, I don't have hemochromatosis (THANK GOD). But even after all of this, three doctors told me that they didn't think it was that medicine. Even though, when I googled said medicine, ALL of my symptoms were at the top of the "if you have any of these serious side effects, let your doctor know immediately" list. Luckily my GP agreed with me and now I'm off that medication.

My pulse is slowing down, I'm having fewer white outs. So grateful. At one point, one doctor suggested I might need a pacemaker, so I'm really glad that is not the current state of my life. I haven't gotten any migraines (yet). But what I'm realizing, oh so painfully, is that that medicine really helped me sleep. And now I'm not sleeping. And I'm so, so tired. I'm taking some Tylenol PM tonight, to catch up, but then I'm going to make a commitment to get acupuncture treatments on the regular. Because, like a lot of Western doctors, I'm a terrible patient and have been terribly non-compliant. Wish me luck.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A Little Oz Lesson

Do you ever have a crush on someone who's from somewhere else and then learn a lot about that place because of it? For example, I once hooked up with a Latvian guy and learned that all men's names in Latvia end in an S and all women's names end in ___ (I forgot). And then, while the guy was sleeping, I did some internet research to learn more about Latvia so I wouldn't look like a total idiot. Mainly, I found out where it was (pretty close to Scandinavia). He talked in his sleep, so I also learned that Latvian is a crazy sounding language. I guess I didn't really learn that much about Latvia, but it was more than I knew before.

I currently have an ill-advised crush on an Australian. It was initially only sort of ill-advised because, after three dates, he went back to Australia for various work and family reasons for 2.5 months. Now it's really ill-advised because in the meantime, he got a job on a project there and now won't be back til January. Story of my life. Another story of my life is liking guys that live very far away. The last guy was in London. I didn't really think I'd be able to exceed that, but I have. Aussie and I are not dating, though. We are occasionally emailing with tentative plans to hang out when he gets back. But that is a long time from now, so who knows. He is on my brain a lot though because he is seriously the first FUNNY guy I've hung out with since The Ex. That's about five or six years, people. I have been waiting five or six years to laugh like this! On our second date, he did the worm for me. I was smitten. But yeah, only three dates to go on here, so I have to remind myself that that's not enough for a fully informed opinion of someone. However, I continue to crush.

I'm not actually trying to do any research on Australia, I just keep seeing things about the country/continent and they've been popping out at me now that I've got Z on my mind. And some of them have really boggled my mind to the extent that I've asked him about them. But then I try not to ask too much because I don't want it to seem like I'm internet stalking Australia/him.

Z is from Melbourne (my good friend Jane Donuts, who hates Australians, said, "At least he's not from Sydney." I have no idea what that means. But I will say that I think every single person that I've talked to about Z has done a "groan, Australia" kind of thing. What's wrong with Australia/ns??? They're so nice! [One friend said they're "right up there with the Swedes," followed by a quizzical look from me and then, "in terms of fucking" and then something about Australians inventing the term spit roasting or something].) Anyway, whatever, Australia-haters! There are a lot of cool things that come from Australia! For example:

  • INXS. So many times lately, I've been scrolling through my iPod, past the Is, thinking, "God! Again! I want to listen to INXS again!" This pre-dated meeting Z, so I feel okay (albeit kind of weird) about it. I just put on some INXS, btw. Don't Change is for real one of the best pop songs ever.
  • Crowded House. LOVED this band when I was a wee lass. Especially this song. They're from Melbourne! This singer is actually a Kiwi, but there are Aussies in the band.
  • Obnoxious Owl. My girl Kasey pointed me to this blog a while ago. Then I fell off and today I checked her out again while I was supposed to be studying. Learned that she's in Melbourne. But that she's actually not Australian (I don't know where she's from. UPDATE: She's South African). I like this girl's style. She's funny and visually bonkers. I love reading her blog. Also her advice for guys is spot-on. Read it!
  • Vegemite. Just kidding. That shit's gross (yes, I've tried it).
  • Cut Copy. Also from Melbourne. That city sounds fun!
  • Koala bears. Duh.
  • That teenager that had that crazy rager. In person, I'd probably want to punch him and teach him grammar, but, half a world away, he's pretty entertaining. Don't watch too much of this video because it gets annoying. Also that newscaster needs to be shot.
    •  ***OMG That guy is from Melbourne too!!!! 
So anyway, some of the mildy mind-boggling things about Australia:
  • In this article, discussing the case of the "the dingo ate my baby" woman, the Australian author says, "This was the 1980's, when we still called Australian indigenous people "aborigines"..." Wait, what?! Isn't that what we still call them? I was a bit terrified of having been accidentally offensive, so I did ask Z about this one. He said Indigenous Australian is the correct term (duh, guess I should have figured that one out!), but he said aborigine is also fine. 
  • Then I saw this, randomly. 

I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that real?!?!?!? I haven't asked Z in an attempt to play it cool/sane. But come on! Also, do kangaroos just sit there like that when you walk up to them? And aren't they MUCH bigger?
And there was something else, but now I've forgotten. This is one of those blog posts that was better in my head I think.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Saw a Stranger's Balls Yesterday

Good title for my re-debut (not a word), don't you think? Eye-catching! Mysterious! Etc.!

So yeah, I've been gone for a while. I'm not even going to try to fill you in on what's been happening since my last post. Let's just jump right into things.

I believe I have mentioned that I'm in acupuncture school now (it's great!). Yesterday I went to go intern with/shadow this extremely skilled acupuncturist who came to speak at one of my classes. This guy made a strong impression on me. While outwardly I'm not very dramatic, my inner dialogue can sometimes be a bit hyperbolic. My thoughts about this guy were, "This man is going to change my life," and "This man is going to make me cry every time I talk to him." The former because he's amazing (he's found 13 tumors that MDs have missed!), the latter because he himself is prone to crying when talking about emotional things and I can't not cry if someone's being sincerely emotional and weepy. Then I talked to him on the phone a bit to schedule the whole thing and he scared me a little bit. He said the three rules were 1) have fun, 2) learn, and 3) no leaning. I LEAN ALL THE TIME.

I went out to the Valley and... I just realized this story could be really long and you probably don't want to hear the minutiae, so let me just get straight to the nuts.
Usually when you have a first time patient, you talk to them a little bit, figure out what you're going to do, and then tell them to change into a gown or some shorts or whatever. Dr. M. was seeing one of his patient's boyfriends for knee pain for the first time. We walked into the room and dude was already stripped down to his boxers, ready to go. They weren't really ballooning boxers, but neither were they boxer briefs. Kind of short, loose ones. With those red London double-decker buses on them. Dr. M. went to work, testing this guy's range of motion and flexibility. I kept moving around, trying to stay out of the way and get a good look. When I moved down to the guy's feet, I got a way better look than I meant to.
It's weird seeing someone's balls when you aren't expecting it. Also, I, like most girls, don't really pay attention to balls a lot. I mean, I try to pay attention to whether or not a dude likes his balls played with and in what manner (in my experience, this varies A LOT), but if some testes/scrotum pair committed a crime and I was forced to identify them in a line up, I would fail miserably. But when you accidentally see someone's balls, they're sort of seared in your mind. Also, it's hard to act natural. My first instinct was to whip my head in the other direction, but then I realized that I was supposed to be watching, so I looked back and just tried to not let my eyes wander. Did he know I could see his nuts? Was it drafty? He didn't seem to mind.

Enough about the balls though. Dr. M. and I hung out til 10 pm! He rules! He's part mentor, part teacher, part shrink, and part dude friend. I usually have one or two straight male friends that I talk to about guys (and they talk to me about girls). Kind of nitty gritty details, if you know what I mean. I only have 0.5 such friends at the moment. Felipe (not his name!) is only half of one because he has a GF now and you kind of have to tone down that sort of thing when you're involved (Felipe would maybe deny he has a GF, but sorry, man, that's pretty much what's going on :) Anyway, Dr. M and I talked about me and then talked about him (he's 55 and recently separated). I should also note that he's a cool man and does not seem like he's 55. He used to hang out with David Bowie and Led Zeppelin! He also told me two stories about guys that were the old guys hanging out with the young girls back in the day and how he's seen BOTH of those men recently and now they're REALLY old and still with younger women (who are in their 40s now). This is one of those guys. Dr. M. is paranoid about being one of these creepy lecherous men, but he's kind of more on the same wavelength as somewhat significantly younger women (I'm saying this; he would probably not say such a thing). Anyway, he's trying to find his way and learn about dating again. He had a flirty text conversation the other day for the first time ever. He was marveling over it. It was cute.

Then he took me to a Chamber of Commerce mixer! I exclaim this because I never thought I'd ever be at a Chamber of Commerce mixer. But there I was and he bought a bottle of wine for the two of us to split. My kind of acupuncturist (I get a lot of shit at school for both my food and booze consumption habits). I hate mingling, BTW, so this was in a way a total nightmare, but half a bottle of wine helped! I just sat in my stool as various weird old men made conversation/hit on me. Also one young (29) guy in a suit. Suits are kinda my kryptonite. Nice slim cut suit at a wedding=hot. Ill-cut suit you're wearing because you just got out of your financial planner job=not hot.
I'm pretty certain all these guys thought I was fucking Dr. M. I could see how people would think that, but he and I almost kind of basically [LOL, nice writing, Tammy] had a conversation about that not happening. Um, that sounds weird, it wasn't that explicit. But we had conversations about people we should not sleep with. I'm glossing over things a bit here, but suffice it to say that I think we're on the same page of mutual admiration but not wanting to touch (or resisting any temptation to touch) the other's privates.
Then we went to his house to feed the stray cats that his ex-wife used to feed. His house is full—FULL—of roosters* because he was born in the year of the rooster. Insert cock joke here. He showed me his closets and I pointed out some shirts that he should never wear if he was going to try to date young, hip women. I was feeling pretty comfortable at this point. Then we went back to his office and I got my shit and left, sort of luxuriating in what a great day it had been and how I'd found another great mentor (already have one!) and new friend. And then I got out of my car to walk to my apartment, looked up in the sky, and saw a shooting star.


* Not live roosters! Figurines and such.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Dangers of Online Dating—UPDATE

When I wrote this post almost a year ago, I didn't think I was writing a PSA. But since then, FIVE people—including my roommate!—have responded to the post saying that they too were approached by this guy.  I'm glad this little blog popped up when their bullshit meters caused them to do some Googling.  So,

* Chris Ficher
* Coastal_Life81
* New Torontonian
* Whatever else you're calling yourself these days
we're on to you!

Stop telling us about your imaginary 11-inch dick!

p.s. Yeah, I haven't blogged in ages and this post is kind of lame, but I really needed you guys to know that other people have come forward. This guy is a prolific, serial talk about his fake penis-er!