Ben Franklin, Sage

Here's Ben's advice for why you should take an old woman as a lover.  LOL:

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8. They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate Friend,

B. Franklin

A Visit to the Dentist

I don't really mind the dentist because she always tells me I have beautiful teeth and should be in toothpaste commercials. And I like being able to breathe through my teeth afterwards. But today, while the hygienist was cleaning my teeth (and by cleaning, I mean stabbing me with her metal instruments), she said, "Your gums are bleeding a lot? Do they usually bleed this much at home?" Um, no. Then again, I don't root around my gums with sharp objects at home, crazy lady!768

That was some cat typing at the end there.

Today I also saw another hygienist smoking and the Public Health Department shutting down a Latino fruit guy's stand. I guess it's in the name of the public's health, but I still feel bad for the dude. :(

FYI

In a recent tweet, I wondered if kittens and margaritas cured sadness.

No, they don't. As it turns out, margaritas give you hangovers and kittens wake you up at 4 a.m.

I Have a Crush

His name is Rob Delaney. He's a comedian.  He's married, so it's not like I'm going to try to hunt him down and make him mine or anything (though I have ascertained that he lives in LA [this was before I knew he was married]). Anyway, I love him. Because he's funny. Because he posts things like this. Because he wakes up as early as I do (as evidenced by early tweeting!). And because he loves women. Like, real women. Not the LA bullshit you see around a lot.

I'm seeing him perform next Thursday. I'll be the one with hearts in my eyeballs.

I Promise This is my Last Post About Tampons*

* unless they disappear again or teenagers make up some newfangled use for them.

THEY'RE BACK! (I feel like that should be yelled in a clipped, George Costanza voice.)

Today, I purchased my first box of OB tampons in months! It was the last box, but they were there! And there was an empty spot of the shelf where they should be, instead of no space allocated for the precious OBs.

Jane Donuts sent me a text a few days ago with this picture from outside her local CVS:

People are just carelessly flinging them around! This is the work of teens, I believe. They have short memories. They have already forgotten the Great OB Famine of 2010. I, on the other hand, will never forget!

If I weren't so broke right now, I might consider stockpiling.

And Now for Some Music Reviews

I especially hate music reviews because how are you supposed to know how something sounds from some other guy's opinion of it? But there were a couple of great albums of 2010 (and maybe 2009, I don't really keep track) and I feel the need to highlight them.

The xx—Self-Titled. Towards the end of the summer/early fall, I hooked up with a significantly younger dude. It was a random meeting at a party and, after he started hitting on me, I contemplated for about two seconds whether or not I was going to hook up with this hot, really sweet, professional X-Games-type-sport athlete. He was from a country very far away (and had a cute accent), so I'd never see him again, and he had signed with a modeling agency in New York a few days before. It was a no brainer. He was really friendly (and I mean that as actually friendly, not *wink, wink* friendly) and it was tons of fun and the least awkward first time flirting thing I've ever experienced, which totally mitigated any guilty, cradle robber feelings. I would imagine that all guys that make a living skateboarding, surfing, or whatever are as chill and happy as this guy was and it's fun to be around that.

Anyway, why am I talking about this when I'm reviewing the xx album? I loved this album long before I ever met the young guy, but now he pops into my head every time I hear it. We never listened to it together or anything; the album just kind of evokes a feeling. A simultaneous feeling of youth and melancholy for youth. Does that make sense? This album is like missing a way-too-young-for-you-for-anything-serious-which-is-what-you-should-be-looking-for-dude, while at the same time thinking about how young that made you feel (it's like the Fountain of Youth and now I get why old dudes like young chicks), and how you're really not that old after all and life is, for the most part, pretty good.

A friend of mine described this album/band as  "like one big 69," so there's that, if you prefer.

I guess it's a sexy album.

I mean, the Intro is amazing!

LCD Soundsystem—This is Happening. This is happening (ba-dum-dum)! I hadn't listened to a ton of LCD Soundsystem before I read this, pretty much just Sound of Silver. That album is pretty good. This one blew my face off. I'm almost at the point of having listened to it too much. I'm not sure if that will ever be possible though because there is a good variety of songs on here. The ones I used to be sick of, I like again, and vice versa. Anyway, I won't bother with much of a review except to say that if you haven't listened to this album, you are doing your ears and your brain and your dancing shoes a disservice.

And then I'll add this little story: I saw LCD SS this past summer at the Palladium (which is a pretty cool space, much better than I thought it'd be). I think it was the best concert I've ever been to. It was... wait for it... transcendent. If you knew me, you would know that I've never used the word transcendent before (at least as it relates to me) and that's the kind of hippy word I don't just throw around. But, this concert was transcendent. For me (and probably others). I've always hated jam bands and the whole jam band scene. All that group love, feelin' the groove kind of thing just seemed incredibly dumb. But then it happened to me during this concert, specifically, during All My Friends (that song uses crescendo fantastically). EVERYONE in the place was singing along, knew all the words, and was feeling it. And when you're in that state, surrounded by a bunch of other people in that state, it's glorious.

This is my favorite song off this album. I just watched the video for the first time for this post and I believe that it's capable of curing all your ailments.

Best Coast—Crazy For You. This is a great album if you're a girl in Southern California. Which I am.

Also, cats.

Read This Blog

My friend introduced me to the Hairpin the other day. Read it. This post had me LOLing at my cube.