Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Dangers of Online Dating—UPDATE

When I wrote this post almost a year ago, I didn't think I was writing a PSA. But since then, FIVE people—including my roommate!—have responded to the post saying that they too were approached by this guy.  I'm glad this little blog popped up when their bullshit meters caused them to do some Googling.  So,

* Chris Ficher
* Coastal_Life81
* New Torontonian
* Whatever else you're calling yourself these days
we're on to you!

Stop telling us about your imaginary 11-inch dick!

p.s. Yeah, I haven't blogged in ages and this post is kind of lame, but I really needed you guys to know that other people have come forward. This guy is a prolific, serial talk about his fake penis-er!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Penis Pictures

There are a lot of dudes sending around penis pictures these days, as if that's something women want. I'm not even gonna bother linking anything here, because I'm you've all read a million articles about this lately (here's another one!). I once had a boyfriend send me a picture of his penis. His laptop was on his lap and he was looking at pictures of me (nekkid). That was mildly flattering I guess, but I still didn't really want to see it. I deleted it.

A year or two later, I was talking to a male friend about how no girl wants a penis picture and I told him what I wrote above. He said he's sent the exact same picture to a girl he was seeing once. Here I thought my ex had been all original, but no. Just another way for guys to send shots of their dicks.

A Weird Story

I'm getting a little permanent hair removal done. TMI, I know, but that detail is essential for this story. Anyway, I'm making small talk with the electrologist as she's shooting fire into my pores and ask her if anyone has ever requested that she remove hair from their heads. She said that one time a gay couple came in. They looked somewhat similar and were also dressed similarly. Her description actually brought to mind Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Both had buzzed hair, but one of them had the beginnings of some male pattern baldness going. The other wanted his head hair removed so that it matched the early balding of his boyfriend.

True story.

On Probiotics

I started taking a probiotic called Ultimate Flora Adult Formula 15 Billion. I like taking something with billions. I rarely get the chance to do a billion anything.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Quitters Better Win

I quit my job yesterday. I say "quit," but I mean "gave them five weeks' notice." I'm the only one who does most of the things I do there, so I wanted to give them adequate time to figure out what to do about it. Plus, I was coming dangerously close to being assigned long projects, and I really didn't want to commit to something I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. So now, it's out there, I'm leaving. I superfuckingpsyched!!!!!
But, I got all nervous and sad before I said anything to my boss, as I always do before I quit anything. Because I can't help but feel that by quitting, I'm giving up in some way. I worry that I'll let someone down.

When I was in 7th (maybe 8th?) grade, I wanted to quit gymnastics. I was pretty into it--going 4 times a week for three hours each time. That said, I pretty much sucked. I mean, I was much better at gymnastics than a member of the general public, but, as far as my team went, I was second to last. A big part of it was that I was extremely tall for a gymnast. A possibly bigger part was that I was a combination of scared and lazy. And I knew this. I knew that my quitting gymnastics would be no loss to the gymnastics world. But still, I feared telling my mom... asking my mom if it would be ok to stop. The thought never crossed my mind that perhaps my parents would be thrilled to not shell out the hundreds of dollars every few weeks that my classes cost. I approached my mom one morning. I started crying before I could even say anything. I was so worried of disappointing her! She obviously freaked out, wondering what was wrong, so that when I finally spat out that I wanted to quit gymnastics, she was understandably (now, viewing this as an adult) relieved. And so I stopped going to gymnastics. And that was it. Easy peasy. As is not uncommon for me, I had freaked out over something that ended up being nothing.

I also quit grad school. This was even more stressful because I felt I had to quit to so many people. And therefore, I felt I was disappointing so many people. First, my parents. That wasn't too bad, given that they'd known I'd hated grad school from the very beginning. But, I knew (or imagined, anyway) that they were a little upset that they wouldn't be able to tell their friends that their daughter had a Ph. D.

Then, my roommates. I was living in Spain, doing my dissertation research, and dropping out of school meant that I would have to move back to the U.S. Dropping out made me feel like I looked like some kind of annoying American dilettante. (I mean, I guess, technically, I was!) My roommates were sad to see me go, but were by no means crushed.

Then I had to quit to my advisor. I called him from Spain. Again with the waterworks before I even started speaking! I honestly don't remember what he said, but do remember that he told me about someone in his family (his wife's mother?) recently dying. Looking back, I'm sure he was disappointed, as he'd invested a fair amount of time in me. But, he also hadn't invested the same amount of time in me as in other of his students. Our research interests didn't really line up and he probably sensed that I was less enthused than everyone else at the program. Other people/entities I had to quit: various deans, the chair of the department, the United States Government (they were funding me). Those were ok. At that point, I was a pro at quitting grad school.

And now I quit my job. Before I did it, I thought for a while about quitting. I quit a lot of things. What does this say about me? Is it a lack of commitment? Do I not try hard enough? Maybe, but also, I have a very strong "shit or get off the pot" mentality. If something isn't working for me, I try to make it work. If that doesn't work, I bail. There is no sense in continuing to do something that you don't enjoy. Life is too short for it to be constant sacrifice.

When I returned to the States and quit to my advisor in person, he said something to me that will forever stick in my mind. When I said to him, as one of my reasons for leaving, that I thought a person should be happy in her personal life and her professional life, he said, "I don't really think that's true. I think it's ok to be just happy in one." THAT IS SO WRONG TO ME! I am not one to settle, and to think that I would settle either in my personal relationships or professional life was horrifying and incomprehensible.

Which brings me back to quitting my job. I hate my job. I took it when I first moved to Los Angeles and was out of money. I had recently dropped out of grad school and then accepted this job that was very much like grad school (except it was a lot easier and paid a lot better). I hated it from the get-go and plotted my escape for 3.5 years. The problem was that I had no idea what I wanted to do. I finally decided on going to school for acupuncture and Chinese medicine. That's another blog post in itself, so I'll skip over that decision process for now. The point is, that after three and a half years, I finally felt very confident about what I wanted to do with myself. I feared quitting to my boss because she's the sweetest lady ever. I had assumed (probably correctly) that my workload would simply be transferred to her. She does not have time for that sort of thing, so I felt bad about doing it to her. And I worried, once again, about letting her down. I had to stand at my desk for a while and psych myself up. Then I went to her office and told her my plans, being careful not to dis my job in the process, which is hard because I bitch and moan to friends about it on a near-daily basis. She was great though. Very maternal. She got a little verklempt. She said she needed a minute to let it sink in. She told me how she totally understood and she thought it was important for me to try new things while I was young (ha!) and unencumbered. She was, all in all, perfect.

And I got a little choked up, but otherwise kept it together.

Monday, April 18, 2011

This is hilarious and makes me want to cry tears of joy and of sadness

I've gone down the rabbit hole at STFU Parents, a blog the Hairpin pointed me to today. I think Facebook update screen shots are probably a recipe for success for any blog, given how dumb the vast majority of people seem to be. Anyway, this one was insane:


In WWII-related news, I just finished reading Unbroken, which was excellent. Grad school pretty much killed nonfiction for me, but this book reads like a novel and is super interesting and emotional. Highly recommend it!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Bad Cat! Bad Cat!

I got a new kitten a few weeks ago to give my other cat, Henry, a buddy. He was clearly bored out of his mind and taking it out on me and my roommate (in the form of attacking us, claws and teeth out). I'm happy to say that Mini is just what Henry needed! They beat up on each other all day long and Henry is pretty much an angel now. And Mini is adorable and sweet. Which is a good thing, because she has some terrible habits. New ones pop up with frequency, so at some point, this list will not be exhaustive. Here's a taste:
* Doesn't cover her poop
* Has the worst smelling poop of any animal. Ever.
* Drinks water by putting her feet in the water dish and splashing around, like a small child in a puddle. Water dish now permanently resides in the bathtub, so as not to damage the wood floors.
* Plays in the toilet.
* Enthusiastic nurser, despite the fact that no one's offering any teats.
* Takes things out of my trash to play with them.
* Unrolls the toilet paper onto the floor.
* Chews on the tape on the couch that's supposed to discourage cats from clawing it.
* In CONSTANT motion

Monday, March 14, 2011

How to Make a Lady Feel Good

Flattery. 
Laughter. 
Kindness.

My friend Will wants me to be his cougar. It's hard to refrain, given that he's really cute and awesome. He's my friend's little brother though, so that makes it a little easier (as does his being 13 years younger than me). And living really far from him.

He sent me a totally unexpected present today. He was going to send me a gazelle head thing he made (he's an artist), but couldn't. Here's his letter:

Dear [Tammy Pajamas],
I was upset when I couldn't send you the gazelle mask. You being the hottest woman I know, I couldn't let you down. So I sent you a few things in its place. First is a super cool print. Second is an even cooler journal. I made the journal from scratch. I know you like documenting what you do via Facebook and the numerous blogs you've started. Now you can document all that cool shit you do in this, or you can use it to write short stories. Maybe your true calling is a romance novelist like Barbara Cartland. You could also use it to write grocery lists in, or draw pictures of what you imagine celebrities' penises look like. The possibilities are endless. Sorry the package doesn't contain a Japanese love pillow. Maybe next time.
Sincerely,
the cutest boy you know in the Dirty Dirty

I mean, shit. A present just because? This funny, adorable letter? The dedication in the journal ("To [TP], the sexiest woman I know")?

Flattery will get you everywhere. Well, almost everywhere.

p.s. I might start drawing celebrity penises, scanning them, and posting them on here.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Ben Franklin, Sage

Here's Ben's advice for why you should take an old woman as a lover.  LOL:


June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8. They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate Friend,

B. Franklin

A Visit to the Dentist

I don't really mind the dentist because she always tells me I have beautiful teeth and should be in toothpaste commercials. And I like being able to breathe through my teeth afterwards. But today, while the hygienist was cleaning my teeth (and by cleaning, I mean stabbing me with her metal instruments), she said, "Your gums are bleeding a lot? Do they usually bleed this much at home?" Um, no. Then again, I don't root around my gums with sharp objects at home, crazy lady!768

That was some cat typing at the end there.

Today I also saw another hygienist smoking and the Public Health Department shutting down a Latino fruit guy's stand. I guess it's in the name of the public's health, but I still feel bad for the dude. :(

Monday, February 14, 2011

FYI

In a recent tweet, I wondered if kittens and margaritas cured sadness.

No, they don't. As it turns out, margaritas give you hangovers and kittens wake you up at 4 a.m.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I Have a Crush

His name is Rob Delaney. He's a comedian.  He's married, so it's not like I'm going to try to hunt him down and make him mine or anything (though I have ascertained that he lives in LA [this was before I knew he was married]). Anyway, I love him. Because he's funny. Because he posts things like this. Because he wakes up as early as I do (as evidenced by early tweeting!). And because he loves women. Like, real women. Not the LA bullshit you see around a lot.

I'm seeing him perform next Thursday. I'll be the one with hearts in my eyeballs.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I Promise This is my Last Post About Tampons*

* unless they disappear again or teenagers make up some newfangled use for them.

THEY'RE BACK! (I feel like that should be yelled in a clipped, George Costanza voice.)

Today, I purchased my first box of OB tampons in months! It was the last box, but they were there! And there was an empty spot of the shelf where they should be, instead of no space allocated for the precious OBs.

Jane Donuts sent me a text a few days ago with this picture from outside her local CVS:


People are just carelessly flinging them around! This is the work of teens, I believe. They have short memories. They have already forgotten the Great OB Famine of 2010. I, on the other hand, will never forget!

If I weren't so broke right now, I might consider stockpiling.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

And Now for Some Music Reviews

I especially hate music reviews because how are you supposed to know how something sounds from some other guy's opinion of it? But there were a couple of great albums of 2010 (and maybe 2009, I don't really keep track) and I feel the need to highlight them.

The xx—Self-Titled. Towards the end of the summer/early fall, I hooked up with a significantly younger dude. It was a random meeting at a party and, after he started hitting on me, I contemplated for about two seconds whether or not I was going to hook up with this hot, really sweet, professional X-Games-type-sport athlete. He was from a country very far away (and had a cute accent), so I'd never see him again, and he had signed with a modeling agency in New York a few days before. It was a no brainer. He was really friendly (and I mean that as actually friendly, not *wink, wink* friendly) and it was tons of fun and the least awkward first time flirting thing I've ever experienced, which totally mitigated any guilty, cradle robber feelings. I would imagine that all guys that make a living skateboarding, surfing, or whatever are as chill and happy as this guy was and it's fun to be around that.

Anyway, why am I talking about this when I'm reviewing the xx album? I loved this album long before I ever met the young guy, but now he pops into my head every time I hear it. We never listened to it together or anything; the album just kind of evokes a feeling. A simultaneous feeling of youth and melancholy for youth. Does that make sense? This album is like missing a way-too-young-for-you-for-anything-serious-which-is-what-you-should-be-looking-for-dude, while at the same time thinking about how young that made you feel (it's like the Fountain of Youth and now I get why old dudes like young chicks), and how you're really not that old after all and life is, for the most part, pretty good.

A friend of mine described this album/band as  "like one big 69," so there's that, if you prefer.

I guess it's a sexy album.

I mean, the Intro is amazing!

LCD Soundsystem—This is Happening. This is happening (ba-dum-dum)! I hadn't listened to a ton of LCD Soundsystem before I read this, pretty much just Sound of Silver. That album is pretty good. This one blew my face off. I'm almost at the point of having listened to it too much. I'm not sure if that will ever be possible though because there is a good variety of songs on here. The ones I used to be sick of, I like again, and vice versa. Anyway, I won't bother with much of a review except to say that if you haven't listened to this album, you are doing your ears and your brain and your dancing shoes a disservice.

And then I'll add this little story: I saw LCD SS this past summer at the Palladium (which is a pretty cool space, much better than I thought it'd be). I think it was the best concert I've ever been to. It was... wait for it... transcendent. If you knew me, you would know that I've never used the word transcendent before (at least as it relates to me) and that's the kind of hippy word I don't just throw around. But, this concert was transcendent. For me (and probably others). I've always hated jam bands and the whole jam band scene. All that group love, feelin' the groove kind of thing just seemed incredibly dumb. But then it happened to me during this concert, specifically, during All My Friends (that song uses crescendo fantastically). EVERYONE in the place was singing along, knew all the words, and was feeling it. And when you're in that state, surrounded by a bunch of other people in that state, it's glorious.

This is my favorite song off this album. I just watched the video for the first time for this post and I believe that it's capable of curing all your ailments.



Best Coast—Crazy For You. This is a great album if you're a girl in Southern California. Which I am.



Also, cats.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Read This Blog

My friend introduced me to the Hairpin the other day. Read it. This post had me LOLing at my cube.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Eine Kleine Book Review

Actually, several.

Let me start off by saying that I almost never read book reviews. I read them slightly more than music reviews, which I read never (I will also be reviewing some music in my next post. Or maybe this one, depending on how much energy I have). I just don't think that other people perceive things the way I do. I'm not saying I'm special; I'm saying everyone views things slightly differently. There are people that LOOOOOVE Everything is Illuminated. I got about 3/4 of the way through and put it down. Booooring! (I do love the title though. And Eugene Hutz.)

But I did a lot of reading over Christmas break, so I thought I'd fill you in on my thoughts. Because I know other people read book reviews, so maybe they'll be helpful.

The Imperfectionists: A Novel (Tom Rachman)—This was the first of 5.5 books (still working on the last one!), so my memory is a little hazier, but I know that I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Each chapter is the story of an employee of an American newspaper in Rome. Some of it's funny, a lot of it makes you feel emotion, which is a good thing in my book. At one point, I actually yelled out loud, "Oh my god! What an asshole!" I sometimes have problems keeping track of characters when there are a lot in one book (does that make me seem special?), but that wasn't an issue here. [4/5]

Room: A Novel (Emma Donoghue [what's with all these : A Novels???])—I nearly hated this book at the beginning because it's told from the point of view of a child and the language reflects that. It's also told from the point of view of a child who, with his mother, has spent his entire life in one room, which you don't know right away. Sorry if that seems like a spoiler, but you find out pretty quickly and it might actually be on the dust jacket anyway. Annoying as the writing can be, I somehow got sucked into this book. Given the opportunity again, I wouldn't buy this book. But I would borrow it. [2.5/5]

A Visit from the Goon Squad (Jennifer Egan)—Amazon kept recommending this to me, so I bit. I'm glad I did. This is another book that follows several people's stories, over a few generations. It's a bit rock-n-rolly and the pace kept me interested. The end takes place in the future and freaked me out, so I wasn't fond of that part, though it was Jane Donuts' favorite part, so what do I know? [4/5]

The Adderall Diaries (Stephen Elliott)—I think this is the new hip book. Meh. A bit self-indulgent (says the blogger–ha!), I found this book to rely a lot on shock value. I used to have a job where I interviewed poor, mentally ill, drug addicted people. I am not easily shocked, so it fell a little flat. And I guess it is a memoir, so it's my fault for reading it in the first place. While it's great that Elliott has (kind of) overcome his supremely shitty childhood, I just didn't find it that interesting. But others might. He talks about reporting for a book on a Bay Area murder case: that's a book I'd be far more interested in. [3/5]

An Object of Beauty: A Novel ([!!!!] Steve Martin)–LOVED THIS BOOK. I kind of love all of Steve Martin's books. And maybe him. But this one was his best yet, I think. It's about a sassy and plucky girl in the art world in New York, told from the perspective of her friend, an art writer. The plot is entertaining, it's well written, and I daresay that Steve Martin really knows how to write a good sex scene (subtle, but just enough detail to get your imagination going). [5/5]  ***I noticed upon linking that SM has several books that I haven't read yet! I'm on it!

So, there you have it. Take it or leave it!